Now, onto the lesson…

1. What to Order - This can often be a tricky question, particularly if you’re an occasionally messy eater. Mostly, you need to know your own eating habits, and if you would be able to pull off eating a rack of ribs without ending up looking like some toddler in a paper towel commercial. Myself, being Practically Perfect in Every Way just like Mary Poppins, can actually succeed in this with a good deal of concentration on not gesturing with my hands as I talk. If you tend to be a bit of a Sloppy Joe, try to coordinate the type of food and your outfit for the evening. If you’re going to be having spaghetti, do not wear white, for example. Yes, this all seems pretty basic, but take it from a girl who has gotten one too many shirts stained by an inattentive date. Some potentially messy or embarrassing foods…
Spaghetti - Or any kind of noodle, really. Use the spoon they usually give you to twirl onto the fork. Keep the forkful to a minimum size for easy transfer to the mouth, and for Pete’s sake, Do Not Slurp.
Ribs - Barbeque sauce, eating with your hands, and food that extends to either side of your face while you’re taking a bite. Let’s just cross this one completely off the list until you kids know each other a little better.
Shellfish - Yes, it’s tempting to order that expensive lobster in order to impress your date, but he or she will be less than impressed when squirted with fishy juices when trying to break open that darn shell. Unless you’re an accomplished seafood eater, I’d avoid this one, too.
Corn on the Cob - Surprising, but true. This food combines the eating with you’re hands mess (melty butter all over the place) with the squirty disaster. I once knew a girl who could actually aim her corn spray at the person sitting next to her. But please, leave this to professionals on a closed course.
Gravy and Sauces - Use these wisely. Remember, the more you heap onto your fork or spoon, the more likely it is that it’ll fall all over the place. Smaller bites are much more attractive anyway.
As I said, this all seems very basic and elementary (literally, I’m teaching my two year-old nephew these very things) but honestly, I’m not trying to talk down to anyone. I wouldn’t mention all of this if I hadn’t actually had some experience with it. I suppose it’s just something people tend to not think about ahead of time. First impressions are so important, and if you gross her (or him) out at the dinner table, I can almost guarantee there will not be a second date.

2. Things to find out - Smoker? Drinker? Dancer? Heavily religious? If you can, try to find out at least a couple of these before you plan a date. If you can’t do that, make sure that the date you plan provides for these contingencies. Don’t assume your date isn’t allergic to cigarette smoke, for example. Also don’t assume that an evening at the comedy club would be enjoyable for her. Sometimes comedians can get a bit raunchy, and you just don’t know yet what will offend. Play it safe until you know for sure. Or just simply ask.

3. To kiss or not to kiss - That is the question, isn’t it. As I said in earlier articles, don’t expect a kiss on the first date. Just don’t. It might happen, but I wouldn’t bet on it. Second or third date however, those are the ones that up the tension-level. By then, you’ve at least established that you like each other well enough to continue seeing each other. But here it comes… the big, dreaded First Kiss. First of all, chill out, dude. No matter what the movies say, no woman (at least no woman that I know) actually thinks that everything rides on the first kiss, and if that kiss isn’t the equivalent of a Jude Devereaux novel the relationship is doomed to failure. Believe it or not, she might be just as nervous about it, and is just as likely to blame herself as you if things go wrong. Not that they will. Kissing isn’t exactly rocket science after all. Firstly, if you start going in for the kiss, and at the last moment, she turns her head so that you only get cheek, don’t be disheartened. Some girls take longer than other because it means more to them. All this means is that she’s not quite ready yet. However, now she knows that you are, so odds are ten-to-one that she’ll initiate the first real smooching session. Next, don’t use tongue unless your date initiates it. Nothing is more of a turn-off that an unwelcome visitor in your mouth. Hold your horses, cowboy, and save that for later. Lastly, check your breath first. I mean… really.